This is how to talk to girls (for dummies). At one time, I was the dummy. Don’t spend your hard-earned dollars on so-called ‘social dynamics’ seminars, or waste your time and effort reading countless pick-up artist books. I’ve been there and done that years ago before I got married and, truth be told, very little of that stuff actually helped me to find someone worth marrying. In contrast, this is going to be a short distillation of the core principles you should apply to any interaction with a female, whether your goal is to land a date, or just get to know someone new. Spoiler alert: it was never meant to be complicated and no, it doesn’t guarantee success like those morons who write that pick-up artist crap tell you!
I’m not saying you can’t glean something of value out of reading the pick-up artist stuff, but it’s few and far-between. Also, with the way it’s marketed, it’s like they’re preying on men dying of thirst in the desert, telling them that they can have all the water in the world if they just buy their book. The marketing tactics are disgusting, especially when you consider the fact that this information should not only be free to all men, but made extremely succinct and simple to understand and apply . . . because it freakin’ is!
I’m aware that this is a deviation from my usual fitness-related content, but I was noticing that the post, ‘Do Muscles Help You Get Girls? (More Plates, More Dates?)’ is one of my most popular to date, which means there must be a demand for some guidance on male-female interaction out there. Either that, or my post must have gotten ranked higher on Google or something.
Either way, I’d be happy to provide some guidance in this area for the young, single guys out there because I know how hard it is to find clarity on this subject from someone who’s business model doesn’t rely on telling guys they can have as many sexual partners as they want if they just buy their book to learn their trademarked attraction system or some bullshit.
How to talk to girls (the fundamental concept you need to understand)
O.K. the first thing you need to understand about talking to girls is that females are different than men.
I know this concept of the genders being different runs contrary to what you learn in school because of the way feminism has pitted the sexes against each other and the way the transgender movement has influenced people to believe the only thing different between the genders is their genitalia, but women really are different than men, especially when it comes to the way we tend to communicate.
Women, by and large, are more emotional than men, so they relate to the world in more of an emotional way.
We men, generally speaking, are more logic-based, in our heads, focused on problem-solving, and less emotional.
This is why men sound a certain way when talking to other men. It’s because we share a common way of seeing the world and way of thinking about things that doesn’t really include seeing the emotional side of an issue.
When men are talking to each other, we usually sound robotic because we’re just exchanging information, ideas and experiences. The most emotional we get is when we’re telling a joke or laughing at something. There’s no real sensitivity or thought given to how this guy or that guy was feeling in this or that situation.
On the other hand, if you’ve ever eavesdropped on a group of women talking, you’d quickly pick up on how it’s just the opposite. They are typically hyper-focused on their feelings or how this or that experience felt to them, plus their delivery is much more emphatic with lots of energy and tonality to it. They very rarely speak in a way that is merely about exchanging factoids of information.
So, what you have are two different languages, really.
If you look at talking to females as learning to speak in a different language, you’ll be in a much better position than a lot of guys who don’t yet understand this concept and find it hard to connect with females because of it.
Step 1: Learn to speak emotionally
A common mistake when talking to girls is trying to talk to them like you would another guy. This happens all the time and always leads nowhere because the interaction feels unnatural to both of you and the girl will come away thinking you’re mean, untrustworthy, awkward, weird, boring, or all of the above. And the reason why is because you’re not speaking to her emotionally.
Guys who grow up with sisters, or with lots of female cousins, or who grow up with infants and babies all over the place, actually have an advantage because they learn how to speak emotionally at a much younger age.
I, myself, was an only child and had relatively few female cousins or baby nieces around me growing up, so my learning curve in how to speak emotionally was very steep.
If you’re reading this post, I can almost guarantee that this is your issue. But, don’t worry, I’m going to show you how to fix it by helping you to change your perspective on it.
You have to realize that speaking in this way is not really “being a clown” or “being fake.” It’s not like that at all.
At first, you may feel like you’re being fake, but you have to get that idea out of your head. You’re not being fake. You’re just speaking in a different language that might feel uncomfortable to you.
Think about how you would react if someone were to speak to you in a foreign language you didn’t understand expecting you to engage in conversation with them. And imagine if that person still got offended that you didn’t understand what they were saying even knowing you don’t speak the language. It would be a no-win situation for you. That’s what you’re doing to girls when you speak to them like they’re men. It’s actually cruel and you deserve to get rejected when you do it.
Speaking to women as if they’re men and expecting them to relate back to you the way men would is messed up. It’s unnatural and not the way God intended.
I used to watch guys at bars and other places act silly around girls and, from my perspective, “put on an act” to get their attention. I thought they were stupid and that they were pretending to be someone they weren’t in order to “get laid” or whatever.
What I didn’t understand is that they were the ones being “nice” to those girls by relating to them in a way that they could understand, and I was the stupid one because I expected them to relate to me the way I wanted to be related to. I was very selfish and lacking empathy back then and it was the source of virtually ALL of my problems with women.
The faster you accept that this language block exists and that you need to practice relating to women in a more emotional way, the better. The best thing you can do is think in terms of what would, “brighten someone’s day.”
Women are amazing and are very thoughtful of others, God bless them, and we men typically are not. Women are always thinking about how to brighten someone’s day. One way men can learn to relate to women better is to think in terms of what we would say or do in order to make someone’s day better.
For example, if you’re at work and you wanted to say hi to a female co-worker, you wouldn’t just stare at her and mutter, “Good morning,” like a robot, devoid of emotion. You would smile and say, “Hey there! Good morning! How was your weekend?”
I know that this might sound weird to you because guys don’t typically talk to each other with that much over-the-top emotion, but with women, sharing emotion is normal, it’s a good thing, it’s being nice.
You might think that you sound gay when you’re talking this way, but women don’t see it that way. And there’s a reason why women usually befriend gay men. It’s because gay men naturally communicate more emotionally and women relate to that style of communication better. I’m not saying to talk like a gay man, but I hope you get what I’m saying here.
Because there’s no secret recipe I could give you for how to communicate more emotionally. You’re just going to have to practice it for yourself and try it out to see what works best for you.
Think in terms of how you would brighten someone’s day, think in terms of how you would make a small child laugh, or how you would put someone at ease that’s scared of you and you’ll be on your way to speaking more emotionally. Remember to use more tonality, loudness at the right times, and most of all, don’t be afraid to be silly or laugh at yourself.
Doing this will help you to feel more at home around women, so you can have more fun with them because isn’t that what it’s really all about?
Step 2: Have empathy
Women value men who have empathy for others because they want their men to have empathy when they need emotional support, like after something happens that hurts their feelings.
I can’t begin to tell you how critical this is. It’s one of the main things you learn by being in a long-term relationship with a woman, so it’s better that you get acquainted with this concept now.
Women want to be able to open up and tell their boyfriend or husband what’s bothering them and have their feelings validated, meaning you basically tell them that they have a right to feel the way they do and that you understand how they feel.
Even when her feelings seem crazy to you, or are critical of you as a boyfriend or husband, or even when it feels like a personal attack, your woman still wants you to have empathy by validating her feelings. This is the hardest thing to do sometimes because it’s easy to get defensive and try to convince her she’s being crazy, but saying this will have the opposite of the intended effect, trust me. It will lead to a blow up every time and you will kick yourself and say that I was right for telling you to STFU when this invariably happens to you.
Actually, the correct time to bring something up to her that you think is wrong is when she’s in a good mood and happy, not when she’s feeling hurt or in need of your emotional support.
But, how do you have empathy for someone else? The answer is, you train yourself to think about what it would be like to walk a mile in the other person’s shoes. Easier said than done, of course, but practicing this will actually help you to relate to women better and even help your future marriage.
Empathy also means reading the situation in the moment and trying to anticipate how she’s feeling and why.
If you can read that she’s feeling down, or depressed, ask her, “What’s wrong?” and lend an ear if she’s comfortable sharing it with you. Chances are she won’t, though, if she doesn’t know you.
Also, when you approach a girl, realize it might be the wrong time. She might have something going on, or something else that’s occupying her mind for one reason or another that you’re not aware of. This is why it’s good to have empathy and not take things too personally when interacting with women. A lot of guys make that mistake.
Just try to be more empathetic when talking to, or relating to women and it will go a long way to making stronger connections.
Step 3: Understand and navigate sexual chemistry like a pro
This scene from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is a good example of a guy not afraid to show his attraction to the female. Of course, in the movie, his character is married, so that makes it inappropriate, but it’s still a good example of what having sexual chemistry can sometimes look and feel like when you encounter it.
The first two steps are easy to master compared to this one. This is because when we have sexual chemistry with a girl, it can make our interactions with her more awkward, which does not typically lead toward getting to know her better.
So, let’s deconstruct that awkwardness. What exactly makes the interaction awkward and how can we defuse it?
Well, first of all, what makes the interaction awkward is men have a tendency to try to hide their attraction for a girl because we think it’s inappropriate, morally wrong, we mistakenly think it’ll help our chances with her, or we stupidly think we’re not good enough for her.
Of course, the problem with trying to hide it is a women already knows when a man feels attraction toward her. It’s clear as day to a woman. Don’t ask how. It’s the way they’re built. They just know.
Like we established earlier, women are naturally way more in tune with their feelings, have more empathy and are more sensitive to different types of energy in general, so women know when a guy is attracted to them. And the fact that you’re trying to hide it from her makes you seem weak and inauthentic, which also makes it so that she can’t trust you because you’re already being disingenuous with her. Not a good start.
So, the only remedy to this situation is to be honest about it. If you’re feeling sexual chemistry with a particular girl, communicate this to her in an authentic way by introducing yourself to her, smiling at her, complimenting her, and talking to her about whatever. Just seize the moment and appreciate being around her. That’s what flirting is.
You gain zero by trying to hide your attraction, so you might as well learn to get comfortable with and enjoy the sexual chemistry you feel when you’re around her. Learn to run toward it, not away from it. It’s a normal, natural thing, not something to be afraid of.
And the little secret is, she feels the sexual chemistry too. It’s mutual. What I’m saying is that when you feel that overwhelming sexual chemistry you can’t quite explain, she usually feels it too. It’s not a choice for either you or her. So, let that be a comfort to you and have fun with it!
How to talk to girls: the rule you must follow in order to get the date
Alright, so if you’ve followed the 3 steps I just mentioned, you should be well on your way to talking to and, most importantly, making meaningful connections with women.
But, let’s say you’ve really taken a shining to a particular girl and you want to ask her out on a date.
There’s a rule that I’m going to share with you right now that will help you to get a date with a girl you like, but it’s not guaranteed. It will, however, increase your chances of getting the date considerably if she decides that she likes you as more than a friend and wants to let you in to her life.
The rule is, DO NOT ask for a number or for a date with the girl unless you’ve had a flirting conversation (refer to step 3) with her for a minimum of twenty minutes, preferably more. Then, and only then, have you earned the right to ask her out.
Guys who prematurely ask the girl out before having a continuous, free-flowing, and flirtatious conversation with her for at least twenty minutes are destroying their chances for a date without even realizing it.
And, the sad part is, it could have gone somewhere had the guy not screwed it up by asking for a date too soon.
Because it goes back to having empathy. Would you go on a date with someone you don’t know at all, haven’t spoken to, and don’t know anything about? I guess that’s a bad example because a lot of guys would, but girls aren’t like that. And girls have to be careful who they go out with because there are guys out there who will hurt them.
How to talk to girls: why you still can’t get a date
O.K. if you’ve followed the 3 steps and you’ve followed my rule on getting the date, you’ve maximized your chances of getting a date with the girl.
You’ve established that there’s sexual chemistry between you, you’ve spent time talking with her and getting to know her for at least twenty minutes before asking for the date, but she still says no. Why?
The answer is, there could be a variety of reasons. She could already have a boyfriend, but doesn’t want to reveal that, nor does she want to take it further with you because she’s already in that relationship, she could like you, but feel scared to get to know you more because she doesn’t trust you enough, or you might not be her type.
If it’s the for first two reasons, it’s still possible to move the interaction forward if you’re persistent over a longer period of time, but there’s no way it will go anywhere regardless of how much effort you put in if you’re simply not her type.
This is why I say there are no guarantees when it comes to getting a date with a particular girl that you like.
She has a right to reject you for whatever superficial reasons she wants and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your job is to accept it and move on like a man. Don’t be a pussy and complain or mope about it.
But, the reality is, a girl will usually not even allow you to get to step 3 unless she decides that you are her type. So, most of the time, if she’s talking to you for more than five minutes and it’s not forced, meaning you can tell she feels attraction toward you as well, then you can be pretty sure you’re going to get a ‘yes’ when you eventually ask for the date. Just don’t rush the conversation. Let it play out naturally.
How to talk to girls: being more girls’ type
If you’re consistently not getting to step 3, then it’s because you aren’t enough girls’ type. You likely haven’t put enough time into making yourself as physically attractive as possible.
Let me be clear. It doesn’t matter if you’re tall or short, you will still be someone’s type and attractive to some number of girls out there. However, what could be making you unattractive to a large number of girls is if you’re either fat and out of shape, or if you’re emaciatedly skinny and have no muscle tone whatsoever.
If what I just said describes you, then I would focus on putting on some quality muscle and/or losing fat. Because this is where weight-training and eating right comes in.
You can’t expect to attract someone into your life that has certain qualities you find attractive unless you yourself also have those qualities.
That’s all you need to know!
If you invest any more time into learning how to talk to girls than what I’ve just described, you’re wasting your time. Just get out there, mix it up with the ladies and have fun!
If you want guidance on how to get into phenomenal shape, so you can be more girls’ type, I’d be happy to help coach you. Drop me a voicemail at 917-267-8590 explaining what your goals are along with any questions you may have and I’ll answer them on the podcast.
Your training partner,
Read next: How To Lose Weight Without Exercise